Nam's Poetry and Writing Collection

Okay, since there has been some interest in my poetry, I am going to start posting them in this thread. Of course, I will only be able to post the fairly mild things here, but for any of you who are interested, you may access some of the more intense ones at my blog here: http://nam24601.livejournal.com/ It is an adult account, so if you are underage, I'm sorry, but you'll have to pass on those ones. Sorry Jake

Wanderer
April 2003

I walk alone at night
Searching for something
Nothing in particular
Never Knowing
Only needing
I'm angry
Raging mad
At nobody in particular
Just disgusted
And I sing senseless songs
Because none of them mean anything
Not to me
And I can't find a song to make my own
So I wander through the night
And sleepwalk through the day
Restless. Nothing makes me happy
Not laughter or music or games
My skin is screaming and I want something
But I don't know what
Light a smoke but the craving never stops
Burn a joint but the high never stays
All I want is this needing to stop
When will I be content?
I'm frustrated with my failure
And the way people throw their garbage all over me
And step on my pain
I need to feel needed, appreciated
But I'm trapped
Like a fly on a glue strip
Aware and motionless
Waiting to die
So I wander
Walk the streets at night
Listen to the songs of the stars
Hear the crying of forgotten souls
And join them in my march
Sing me a song of love
Sing me a song of death
Sing me a song of wanting
Sing me a song
And let me sing it too
So tired of the constant aching
So tired of the nagging fear
Exhausted to the core
Of my weeping heart
Oh what a lifeless life
Filled to the brim with poison
Overflowing with decay
Somebody stop this screaming
I'm screaming my life away
Oh please please sing me a song
Oh please please sing me a melody
Please please sing me a song
And maybe the silence will be filled
And maybe I won't have to wander
Walking the streets at night
Searching, always searching

Black Tears

What do you want from me?
What can I offer you?
What do you need from me?
I’ll give you anything

How can I comfort you?
How can I change for you?
I’ll do what you want me to
If you’ll accept me

Excuse me for being unapologetic
My world is painted over in my colourful fears
Excuse me for being apathetic
I’ve already cried all of my black tears

I must be perfect for you
I can make no mistakes
I must know everything
I must be great
I have to numb my heart
I have to show no feeling
I can’t reveal my weakness
I don’t want you to leave

Down with the walls
I won’t bend over backwards anymore
Down with the feeling
That you’re better than me
I’m through with overcompensating
I’ve already cried all of my
Black tears

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2003 Amanda Joanne Stade

Blind Serpent

In the shadows I lurk, slithering through
the dust. Darkness blankets the earth,
hiding me in my terror. A coat of dirt
covers my belly, which cannot be washed
clean. I am struck with stones and beaten
with sticks no matter where I stray. I bite
at the heels of those who tower above me,
only to be struck back down into my world
of flooding emptiness. I climb, I fall.
And I finally lay beneath this rock, for
I've discovered that the higher I climb,
the farther I fall. So why climb at all?
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Blinders

Today I wear my blinders.
I cannot see what's ahead,
so assume there is nothing.
Yesterday is gone, with its happy and
peaceful moments; vanished.
Tomorrow is lost in the darkness;
consumed by the fear which paralizes me.
I forget my dreams and replace them with
rage and doubt. Defeated, I surrender.
Today I wear my blinders. Yesterday is gone;
there is no hope for tomorrow. I pull the
trigger and make it so.
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Broken Angel

Lined up on a shelf
were thirty-nine glass angels,
and one made of plastic with
a wing broken in half.
It tried to look as
beautiful as all the
other angels, but
it just never looked right.
The owner worried about how badly
it appeared, but no matter where
he moved it, it just never seemed to fit.
Finally, after long consideration,
he put it in a box and hid it in his closet.
For it was too pretty for the trash, but
not good enough for the shelf.
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Craving You

My soul is weeping
my heart is bleeding
my arms are empty
and I'm craving you

The miles roll by
the expanse grows wider
The wound digs deeper
my mind is torn

My eyes are burning
my tears run dry
my stomach is churning
my fears won't die

I can't describe how
much I want you
I can't convey the
way I feel

I'm desperate for my
arms around you
As much as for
the air I breathe

Now my heart is
getting lighter
Now my blood is
racing fast

For I am on my
way to see you
and hold you once
again at last.

Each Time I Close My Eyes

Each time I close my eyes I see the sun
rising with the promise of a new, glorious
day. A gentle breeze dances gleefully as
the scent of blooming roses caresses my soul.
Each time I close my eyes desire wells up
within me so urgently I tremble as tears
trickle down my cheeks. Each time I close my
eyes I hear an angel singing, ever so softly,
in the distance, while my heart mourns in
despair for someone it was never meant to
love. Each time I close my eyes I feel the
tender kiss I know my lips will never know,
and I taste the sweetness of your impossible
love. Each time I close my eyes I tell
myself it isn't true. I couldn't have fallen
in love! Never, and not with you! Each time
I close my eyes the time comes once more
when I need to open them.
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Hidden
By: Amanda Stade
April 9, 2002

Hidden inside her is an ocean of fear
Hurt that goes deeper than the sea
Behind a mask of strength and smiles
Lies a little girl who just wants to be kept safe.
Hidden inside her is a pool of doubt
Security eludes her as she struggles along
Promises blown away on the wind
And the forbidden tears trickle down.
Hidden inside me is a bleeding heart
Broken from the pain all around
Shattered from the salty rain
Crying when I feel her pain
Hidden inside him is a strange regret
The anger towards himself
Projected on everyone else
And memory is his dream of tomorrow
Hidden inside this place is a silent wisdom
Knowledge of all the times
Emotional discord and extracted rage
Intermingled with a peaceful grief
Hidden inside memory is the dream of change
A wish for the ideals once desired
A phantom of hope long vanished
A lingering sadness which haunts our dreams
Hidden inside her heart is a canceled love
Disqualified confidence wrapped in self-doubt
Beautiful pain and rage combined
Consuming her from the inside
Hidden inside our conscious minds
The terror of our unknown future
The gnawing ache of discarded lies
The fate inside our precious eyes
Hidden inside her a bright new day
Her beauty radiates like the sun
Her eyes hold life newly begun
And I cannot hide how I feel
For it can not all stay hidden inside.

Gone

Where am I hiding?
What do I fear?
Passion is lifeless,
death draws me near.
Tears run like water;
bitterness grows.
Shattering silence,
nobody knows.
Fearful existence;
life lost in pain.
Tormented slumber;
mind gone insane.
Someone is hiding,
somebody's near.
I look all around me,
but no one is here.
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Invisible

Eyes that are blind
and lips that are cruel
bash me and beat me;
invisible fool.

Terror destroys me,
rage consumes all.
Bitterness, hatred,
pride before fall.

Anger and murderous
spirits attack
trying to steal all
the life that I lack.

Nobody sees me;
I'm not really here.
I've nothing to conquer
and all things to fear.
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

June 30, 2006

Scorned

I am so lost. Wandering aimlessly through my pain. Treading water; barely staying afloat. So perpetually alone.
I am so cruel! I won't let you walk all over me anymore, and that is not fair to you! You are used to using me as your doormat; where will you wipe your feet now?
I am so cold. Numb and frozen, I've lost hope. My heart is cracking; breaking apart. I no longer feel any pain.
I am so honest. I will tell it like it is as long as you'll accept it...which you won't. So I remain silent.
I am so ashamed. I have allowed you to beat me down and obliterate my existence. I have reveled in the pain. I have turned the other cheek so many times; I have no cheeks left.
I am so blind. I could not see the mess you'd reduced me to. I took all the blame. You are perfect; you are wonderful! I have so many problems! Wow, why are you even with someone as pitiful as me?
I am aware now. I am aware! I see you; I hear you...I love you, I hate you. Go away; come save me. Better yet, why not send your friends to attack me. I am not even worth your effort.
I am so done. Go eat your own *BULLSCHNAUKA*; I'm fed up. Goodbye.

Pity Party
July 5, 2006

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. Make sure you shower me with many gifts of sympathy. Nevermind your life right now, for mine is more important. Feel sorry for me.

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. Please line up for refreshments; I'm serving bitterness and gall. If anyone tries to sneak away, I'll surely feel rejected. Feel sorry for me.

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. The music's playing loudly; it's country to the core. I lost my hope, I lost my love, I lost my will to live. Feel sorry for me.

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. We're playing games; so many games of psychological bull. There are no winners, only losers, but it's mandatory to play. Feel sorry for me.

I'm throwing a party and everyone's invited. We all have lives, we all have hopes, we all have deaths to grieve. This party is for everyone; no sympathy required. I cannot tell you how to feel.

The Co-Dependant's Sonnet
Feb. 1998

Thou heartless fool, how you fail to see
The devouring venom consuming me
For when each time a tear you shed,
My soul, it shatters;
A hope now dead
The rancid rain falls on my face
Etching in me my disgrace
Oh thoughtless night in love's disguise
Reject not the silence of my cries
The purest wish can't lift the stain
The blood I shed with all your pain
And now in my tormented mind
I'll share with you the thoughts I find
Your yoke I'll carry 'til the end;
There is no death in love my friend.

Run
By Amanda Stade
1995

Colours whiz by; the Earth spins around.
No ground and no sky; and still I'm not
found. My heart pounds my chest; I hide
from my foe. I will not be at rest; there's
nowhere to go. My fear it will follow with
my every move. My life, it is hollow, I've
nothing to prove. My enemy's here, and still
I'm not found. I wipe my last tear and look
all around. The trees full of treasure, red
orange and gold. The flowers bring pleasure;
a feeling too old. The sky weeps its sorrow;
the tears wash my face. Yesterday brings
tomorrow to still find my place. The breeze
whispers song, of long times ago. When nothing was wrong and my life did grow. But
now do I run, pursued by my foe. Can't face anyone, can't let myself go. In my hand
is the key to the box on the shelf. And now
do I see that I run from myself. For the box
it contains, and yet all locked tight, my
treasures and pains I've picked up in the
night. And now in my pain, though astray did
I roam, I know through the rain I must
return home.

Stranger

Ding Dong the doorbell rings
The doggy barks, the kettle sings
The door is opened; no one's there
The little lady says a prayer
Upon the window someone raps
The voices whisper, the elephant claps
There is no doggy, there is no door
The lady falls upon the floor
A song is heard upon the wind
"Someone's dying, someone's sinned"
The trumpets sound, the angels fall
At midnight she must leave the ball
And now in her asylum bed
She crawls to nowhere in her head
There is no freedom from her strife
This is her playground; this is her life
Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Void
By Amanda Stade
Jan. 12, 1998

Terrifying emptiness slaughters my existence.

Despondent misery snatches away my breath.

Spirit owned by hopelessness; the destitute

of life. I've fallen into the void.

Feeding growing hunger; drinking choking

thirst. Nothing fills the loneliness;

corrupted love's perverse. Infection fills

my hatred, venom devours my soul. I've

fallen into the void. Blackness growing

vacuous, enticing grip of death. Bloody

hands of tribulation strangling ecstatic

grief. Desperate screams for redemption

yield only whimpering decay. I've fallen

into the void. Spare me from my bitterness;

protect me from the flame. I need a hand to

hold me, and make me whole again. Rescue me

from crumbling; uphold my outer shell. Save

me from the void. Tear away the shutters;

scare away the fright. Give me your

affection; show me what is right. It's hard

to find the darkness when it's shadowed by

the light. Be not persuaded by the void.

Vanished
By Amanda Stade
July 22, 2002

The silence of my darkness thunders in my ears as I wander aimlessly through the lonely night. My heart beats a rhythmic song on the wind; my dry tears sparkle motionless in space. Questions hang quietly in time, the answers never born. Misguided spirit without a face, I watch my life be torn. Joy creeps in for but a moment but leaves me in the wake of death. I fear the mark I may make so erase my soul instead. My mind will spiral much too fast; it will spin itself away. My whole existence nullified; vanished with the day.

Unanchored and Adrift

Unanchored and adrift;
the vessel thrown away.
Death advances slowly
with every passing day.

Unanchored and adrift;
the fury of the sea.
I'm passed along without a song;
no dock awaits for me.

Unanchored and adrift;
without a helping hand.
I fear the future holds for me
life washed up on the sand.

Unanchored and adrift;
a home I've never known.
From here to there and everywhere
so helpless and alone.

Unanchored and adrift;
the bottom of the list.
I do not either live or die;
I merely just exist.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Untitled
(to the tune of Thankyou by Alanis Morrisette)
By Amanda Stade 1998

Running water hot as the sun in the summer
Soaking in the suds of the scalding fire
Burning in the terror of my imagination
Standing on the coals of my inner desire
Haunting sadness
Flaming passion
Falter stumble and fall
Consuming wilderness
Stalking anger
And kiss the grave where I pray

How can I repay all the hate that I’ve stolen?
How can I possess all the love that I crave?
How can I restore any peace to my spirit?
Why should I even bother? I should just walk away.
Evil taunting.
Selfish loathing.
Revenge on my self-worthlessness.
Pills for dying.
Death in Living.
How can I grant my wishes today?

Every time I look in the mirror I shudder
Every time I hear my own voice I cringe
Every time I think of the silence within me
Rage consumes my every dream of refrain
Gloomy innocence
Guilty conscience
Unfaithful disastrous ways
Faulty bitterness
Broken angel wings
Fallen from heavenly skies

Yes I know I turned on my own scalding water
Yes I know I lit the flame with my spark
I am aware I muted my own inner music
I clipped my wings with scissors attached to my right hand
Yes I’m guilty
I am responsible
I am a suicidal murderer
I’m an angel
I’m a demon
I’m confused and unable to feel
Pleasure or pain
Joy or hate
Everything is jumbled together
And I fly
And I die
And the voices all stop and I’m better

Tolerance

Fire burning in my eyes;
heart filled with deceitful lies.
Being yanked unto the ground
to be beat up and pushed around.
Rage exploding in my head,
finding him beside my bed.
An empty bottle every night;
awake all night to hear them fight.
This is tolerance, I have found,
to live through this without
a sound.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

The Wire

Five thousand feet above the ground
there hangs a long, thin, wire.
Attached at each end to a wooden pole
which feeds a bright red fire.

Upon that wire, there stands a man;
his arms stretched to each side.
One hundred pounds tied 'round his neck;
his cries for help denied.

Above his head there hovers fear;
beneath his feet his fate.
He must do something, and something soon,
for soon could be too late.

Suddenly the wind picks up;
the wire swings and sways.
He doesn't know what he can do,
so, desperately, he prays.

Then from above descends a dove
which perches by the man.
It says "No matter how things look,
God has a Master plan!"

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

LOL! This was my attempt at a children's story when I was in High School.

The Happy Yellow Dog
By: Amanda Stade
1996

In a small house there lived a young man and a big yellow dog. This dog was the most happy dog you would ever meet, for he had many friends. His name was Sam.
Every morning Sam woke up…well sort of! Sam liked to sleep in. Sometimes he would be awake but just lie in bed and pretend to sleep until his owner came to wake him up.
“Time to get up, Lazybones!” he would say every morning. Sam would then jump up and excitedly lick his owner’s face. He would then have a big stretch and yawn, just to prove that he was still feeling sleepy.
“Are you hungry Sam?” His owner would ask. Sam would jump off the bed and run into the kitchen, wagging his tail and panting happily. He would eat up all of his breakfast, and sometimes eat some of the cat’s food too! After breakfast, Sam would get to go outside to play. He had a great big cement driveway and even some nice cool dirt to lie on under the porch! Sam loved to get dirty! He would even roll around in the mud or sand just to make sure he was covered in it-especially after he had a bath! Sam also had his own doghouse. He would go sleep inside it sometimes if it rained or if he got too hot, but usually Sam preferred to stay outside.
When Sam would first get outside, he would look around to find his biscuit. The biscuit fairy came every night, and although Sam had never seen her, there was always a biscuit left for him on the front porch. After he ate the biscuit, he would say goodbye to his owner before he left for work. When he was alone Sam would lie down and relax in the sun, making sure he was in the dirtiest spot on the driveway, of course!
After a while the mailman usually came.
“How are you today, old fella!” he would say. Sam would bound over for his daily petting.
“Poor thing, all alone out here all day.” the mailman would say. “See ya tomorrow.”
Sam would then have a drink of water and find a nice, warm, dirty patch of cement to lie on and take a nap. Before long the lady who lived next door would come over to visit him.
“How are you today, Sam?” she would ask, and she would usually give him a treat and play with him for a while.
“Do you want to play with your toy?” Sam would get really excited and start jumping around. After they finished playing the game, the lady would pet Sam and talk to him.
“You’re such a good dog, Sam!” She would say. “I feel so bad for you sometimes, you’re out here all alone all day! I’ll come back to see you again tomorrow.”
The lady would then go on her way, and Sam would try to get back to his nap in the sunshine. Before he could fall asleep, however, the neighborhood kids would be running down the street on their way home from school.
“Hey, a dog!” one kid would say, and everybody would run over to play with Sam. Sam would have a lot of fun playing with the kids, but he would start to get tired. He would leave the kids and lie down to try to finish his nap. Sometimes the kids would go over and pet him, but usually they just went back on their way home.
After Sam woke up from his nap, Mr. Jamison from down the road would walk by on his way home from work.
“Hiya Sammy!” he would say. “You all alone again? Poor thing, does nobody ever come to play with you?”
Then Mr. Jamison would wrestle with Sam and play fetch with his ball. Sometimes he had biscuits in his pocket-not the big ones that the biscuit fairy leaves, but little bite-sized biscuits that Sam could swallow in one gulp! Sometimes Mr. Jamison would ask Sam to do tricks before he could have a biscuit. Sam loved to do tricks! He knew how to roll over, play dead, beg, and even shake a paw, and he loved to show off to people! Performing sure makes you tired though, so Sam would lie down again after Mr. Jamison left.
Not long after that, though, Sam’s owner would usually come home from work.
“Hey buddy!” he would say. “You all rested up and ready for a run?”
Sam was usually tired, but he was always happy to go for a run! He jogged alongside his owner happily as they went on their way to the park.
“So what did you do all day?” his owner would ask. Sam would just look at him and pant as they trotted along. “You probably just slept all day, lazy dog!”
After they came home from their run, Sam’s owner would feed him his dinner. Sam would eat it hungrily, and then curl up on the couch to watch television with his owner. Sometimes the cat would jump up too, and then Sam would chase him around the house. Once in a while, when Sam was feeling really happy, he would cuddle up with the cat and go to sleep. The cat would purr as he went to sleep himself. Sam’s owner would then turn off the tv and the lights.
“Come to bed you two.” he would say. “Tomorrow’s gonna be a busy day!” Then they would all head to bed and dream happy dreams all night long.

The End

The Empty Room

I sit inside an empty room
which has no door or window.
White walls surround my flooding gloom.
I can't even hear the wind blow.
I'm shut inside a world that's lost
with no hope of getting out.
On the raging sea I'm tossed;
my raging sea of doubt.
Finally, I close my eyes
and slowly drift to sleep.
For in my mind I see blue skies
and water warm and deep.
But in the real world children weep;
their terror makes them quake.
But I lay peaceful while I sleep.
I pray I never wake.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

The Asylum

In the asylum I see his head
floating high above my bed.
Laughing, sneering, gawking at me.
I close my eyes and count to three.
A new face now hovers in the air.
The silence of whispers; a beautiful prayer.
A vision of death eats away at my brain.
I will not believe it; I am not insane!

Flowers. Beautiful flowers, fragrant and
lovely, swaying in the salty breeze.
Open them up, they're filled with bees!

Don't let him catch me; keep him away!
I don't feel like getting stung today.
Noiselessly screaming in the night. Running
away; avoiding the fight. Now someone comes
to steal the light.

In the blackness I can see
ghost yellow eyes staring at me.
I have no hope of being free.
In the asylum he sings softly.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade