Nam's Poetry and Writing Collection

The Tiger
By Amanda Stade

In a dark corner, behind walls of wonder and
a blanket of hope hides a tiger with hungry
eyes and teeth hoping to tear apart the
dreams of an angel. Beside the tiger there
sits a mouse, which slowly nibbles away the
blanket, and creeps around at night, stealing
little crumbs left behind by starving
beggars. In time, when enough holes are
gnawed from the blanket, and the wall is
tainted with dirt and grime, the tiger will
emerge from its solitude and begin to stalk
its prey. It will creep up slowly, like the
mouse, but at its victim's hour of
vulnerability, or terror, or both, it will
pounce. And the clock will strike the correct
hour, sending torturous thoughts floating
through a jumble of voices. And the puzzle
will be unable to join together, for the
missing piece was eaten by the tiger; the
edges of my mind all nibbled away by the
mouse.

Symphony

The wind, it whistled through the grass
which whispered to the trees.
The trees they sang the melody
which rang out to the seas.

The seas roared out the baritones
which danced into the sky.
The sky, it let down tears of peace
which inspired birds to fly.

The birds, they cried out ballads
of joy unto the earth.
The earth, she sang the descant
which told of second birth.

And as I felt this angel's song
my soul became unsheathed.
For music is not played or heard
but solely lived and breathed.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Time
by Amanda Stade
Aug. 15, 2001

I sit here once again listening to the clock.
Night has arrived, daylight vanished
like a phantom fading from a dream.
My prayers ever floating on the wind
hopes echo through the stillness
Why do I do this to myself?
Joy is fleeting; it lasts but a moment
and I wait away my days.
Luminous clouds hovering in my mind
until the sun knocks on my door.
Brief, beautiful, radiant
as my spirit soars once more.
Angelic face, the eyes of God.
I gaze into a realm of endless perfection; yet flawed. I know not the reason for my obsession but only the pure intensity of love. Eternal hope; gone once again.
And I sit listening. Tick tock.
Time dances along as the gloom
descends once more.

June 30, 2006

The air is still....it seems erie to me. The silence surrounds me...suffocating. My nerves are frayed.
I crouch waiting for the pin to drop...ready to jump out of my skin....and pierce the night with my screams.
Somewhere, somehow the monster is stalking me....must be stalking me. I feel the shivers tickling my spine. I feel my heart thumping in my chest. I keep trying to swallow this lump in my throat, but keep choking and gagging on it instead. My hands shake...my soul shakes. I look for God but cannot find him. I am like a child lost in a shopping mall...searching for mommy, terrified. All these strangers keep looking at me or talking to me, but I run away. They are all monsters, just trying to catch me and devour me. Where is my mommy? Where is my daddy? Where am I? Wait...
I am mommy...oh no...how do I stay strong? How do I hold myself together for the sake of my child when
I am cracked in so many places....and I have no glue. My hands are full trying to hold my pieces in place and now my child wants a hug....he needs my love...my attention...yet my mind is somewhere else and I cannot seem to find it. I think it may have been destroyed in the fallout...I have no insurance and cannot afford to have it replaced. I am spiraling now...falling....tumbling....dizzy.
My spirit is empty...what can I give to him? I have nothing to offer. I force myself to make him food, give him a bath...play with him but I'm not really there. I am an empty shell...any more pressure and I will surely implode. I wish I could sleep. Sweet, numb, dark sleep. Must stay awake...be on guard. Protect my child from danger...and myself from the silence.

Shadow

There in the shadows
I think I can see
eyes that are watching
and following me.

A haunting sensation
of doom and desire.
A horrid creation
thrown into the fire.

All through the day
I'm tortured and teased.
The night spits its horror
which drowns my disease.

Hands reach to grab me;
their hold I can't shake.
Depression does stab me;
I shatter and break.

My fear, it controls me;
I've strings in my head.
I live life in terror;
I'm already dead.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

New Light

Slowly the sun rises
and dawn begins to break,
concluding the fearful night.
I see now, in the radiant brightness,
those mountainous shadows,
threatening in the blackness,
were but mere pebbles in the sand.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Lovesong for the Lonely
By: Amanda Stade
February 11, 2002

Verse 1

When I’m awake my sky is gray.
I’m not sure how I can get through the day.
I go back to sleep. I waste away.
I watch t.v. or just sit and pray.

I close my eyes; You’re all I see.
This love I feel is consuming me.
I know we’ve been in this place before
but I can’t seem to lock the door.

Chorus

I’ve been dreaming of you.
I’ve been wishing it were true.
I know you will never love me,
but you’re here with me
in my dreams.

Verse 2

A silent life I live alone.
My soul is dead; my heart is stone.
Then you arrive; the music plays.
Your laughter brings joy to my days.

(chorus)

Verse 3

And when I think of what I’d do
for just one chance- once chance with you.
I’d give my life to let it show;
For you to feel, for you to know.

Bridge

I’ve been thinking about this for a long long time,
And I know life’s no fantasy.
But I can’t go on living for one more day
If I don’t try to let you see
that I love you
and what you mean to me.

Little Clown
By Amanda Stade
January 8, 2002

In honor of TJ, my Red-Bellied (Green-Cheeked) conure (Type of Parrot), whose passing has left a void in my life.

Little clown, why do you dance?
I hear you laughing on your open cage, I hear you calling me. You hang upside down for me as I come for you. Silly little clown. You ride on my shoulder for hours at a time, and watch me from your perch when I put you down. You climb on your swing in the doorway, and flutter to the ground to come find me. In the warm weather I take you outside, to the park, to the neighbors, or just for a walk to show you off to everyone. You had a good time at the birthday party picnic, and you loved chasing the cat around the house. I filled your birdbath for you on Sunday, but you never used it. You loved taking baths, you would splash in the water, and roll around to lie on your back. You loved to join me in the shower, or to help me eat my dinner. I’m glad you liked the play gym I bought you for Christmas, with the swing and the ladder. I wish you were playing there still. You enjoyed watching TV with me, and especially liked music videos. You would dance to the music, and sometimes try to sing along.
Little clown, why do you dance? I left you alone all day today, and still you forgive me. I’m sorry I’ve been gone so much, I’ve just been busy lately. I’m getting my life together though, and I’ll make an effort to spend more time with you.
Little clown, what’s wrong? You’re awfully quiet today, are you feeling okay? Step up, and you can come join me while I take a nap. You love to cuddle up in my hair. You’re very clingy today!
Little clown, I think it’s time to go back in your cage for the night. I have to go out, but I promise tomorrow is a new start. No more distractions, I have to get motivated.
Little clown, good morning. Where are you? I’m taking you to the vet today. I don’t care if I can’t afford it. I’m worried about you and you didn’t look too good yesterday. What are you doing on the bottom of the cage?
Little clown, why did you die? I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the vet yesterday when I first noticed you were sick. I’m sorry I abandoned you and went out. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Little clown, I hope you’re dancing where you are. I hope there’s plenty of water and music. I hope you have cats to chase and swings to play on. I wish I were there with you.
I love you, little clown.

Listen

Listen to the whispering; it echoes in
the wind. Turn your ears to the silent
tones projecting their voices in the
stillness of time.
Oh hear, you deaf ones, the message
in the seasons. For summer soon turns
to fall, and fall to winter, then spring.
This cycle repeats, but someday it will
cease and die.
Listen to the symphonies which play in
the sea. The crashing of cymbals
as waves smash the shore. The humming
in the trees carry out their rhythmic
tales. And the leaves fall, kissing
the ground one last time.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Justice

Justice. I know not the meaning.
People die daily for the convenience of the
rich. Monsters created by the people are
punished for the sin of existing. Bound
in chains are the oppressed who need nothing
but bread to survive.
Justice. Offered to us as a gift. We're told
we can obtain it, but how does a cripple
earn his way? How does an outcast receive a
fair trial when we may not show our face to
the man who holds our only hope?
The same man who holds the key to our
captivity. Justice!

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Deception

Bitter secrets mask the innocent heart.
Virgin souls go rancid in the exposure of
the monster. Hideous nightmares blind the
peaceful spirit, leaving no air to breathe
as dust settles to the ground. Sense is
senseless; nonsense is the weakest power of
strength. Demons lurk in the pungent odor
of fear. Terror tortures the fearless child.
Though evil may show its face in the error
of human creation, true beauty cannot
remain hidden behind veils of ugliness,
just as righteousness cannot disguise
the darkness within.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Eternal Night

The man on my ceiling stares down at me.
He follows me daily; he's all I can see.
I know he is evil, it shines in his eyes.
He plans my misfortune; he brings my demise.
He laughs at my sorrow; he gawks at my fear.
His sly ugly smile is stretched to each ear.
The timeclock is ticking, the hole's in my
hand. Under this pressure, I know I can't
stand. My hip, it collapses, I'm down on my
knees. I'm bawling my eyes out! Please help
me, please! Insanity engulfs me, my eyes
are sealed tight. Yet still he will watch me
all through the night.

Fire

Crackling, burning, smell the aroma
gnawing at your nostrils. Look intensely
at the people dancing in the flames.
Scan the orange, blue, red, and every
unknown shade of every mysterious colour.
Melt with the heat as it smothers your face,
then neck, then body. Live with the dreams,
anticipate your years past, be apprehensive
about the time wasted. Take pleasure in its
rest. Restless sleep, eternal consciousness
sing the song that the scorching fire wails.
Extinguish its radiance and be in extreme
darkness.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Goodbye

Goodbye to all who do not care,
may life bring you good tide.
Goodbye to all who are not there,
I'm committing suicide.

But not, of course, by physical means
for that would bring much pain.
I'm leaving here now mentally,
yet somehow I'm still sane.

Sanity brings insanity,
I'm sure you can relate.
My brain is gone, it won't be long
till I receive my fate.

Fate is fatal, hence the name,
and now my time is near.
Goodbye to all who don't exist,
for here comes my last tear.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

Conquer

We've many things to overcome;
we'll be apart until that's done.
Our obstacles are great and small,
but worry not, we'll break them all.
And when I'm through to get to you
I do not doubt you'll be there too.
So I'll not fret; I won't forget,
The one I choose I don't regret,
for I am led to go through pain,
but also led from out the rain.
My life, it is in God's own hand;
I do not doubt, I understand.
True victory I cannot tell
until I've been through grief and hell.
So though it seems that we're apart,
together we will grow and start
to learn to trust each other's love
and keep our eyes on God above.

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 2007 Amanda Joanne Stade

The Ruins

Here we are walking in the ruins gathering dust and memories forgotten
Here we are trespassing and walking where we are clearly not welcome
How ‘bout if you build a fence and lock it so that nobody can enter
How ‘bout if you just go to sleep and never wake up until life gets better
Here I go saying what should never be said and what should just be left unspoken
Here I go praying and pleading for God to come and resurrect the dead
How am I to explain to the guards that my presence here is authorized
How am I to convince myself that my dreams are not delusional
Maybe it’s safer if I just let them beat me and kill me and get it over with
All that matters is for you to be happy; all I care about is for you to be free
Burn the past with its hateful reminders of nightmares dreamt in the daytime
Lock up the future so those same demons cannot have a chance of finding you again
Why play the game when there’s a chance of losing?
“Losing was hard enough the first time and I couldn’t bear it again” you say
In my own experience and pain and grief I would not change a single thing
I would not choose to live another life than the one that I live
Were it not for the hell and the hate and the hurt that I went through
I would not be the same great person I am today.
For the first time in my life I feel like I have something valuable to offer
For the first time in my life I am a life full of worth
I have learned so much about myself and other people
I have lived through the dark and will let the sun shine again
For a very long time I have learned how to censor my words and my thoughts and my feelings
For a very long time I have been cautious and worried about the consequence
From now on I’m just going to say what I mean and let it echo
I’ll only live once so “Carpe Diem” and I’ll live as much as I can
I’ve quit smoking and eating and I’ve been wearing makeup
I’ve been active and mobile and consumed by this new energy
I’m frightened I’ll burn out and end up exactly where I started
I’m terrified I’ll succeed and wake up in an unfamiliar world
I want you to know that I love you; you are my best friend
I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you no matter what
I’d love to tell you there’s no pain in your future but I don’t know any more than you do
I want you to know that I’ll take whatever you give me
I want you to know that I’ll give whatever I have
I will not be unhappy or ungrateful for what is not available
But I will not hold back the things I feel inside
You want to live your life alone; I have some questions I want to ask you
How will you look back and view the past when you die?
Who will be by your side and stroke your hair before the darkness comes?
Who will be there to kiss the tears from your eyes?
Who will be there to share your memories and your laughter?
I’m not saying this should be me, but it should be somebody
Though we both know that I’m wishing it were me
I know that you know that I am totally in love with you
but that shouldn’t be a problem because I know where my boundaries lie
I respect you and care for you and would never want to hurt you
I would never want to cause you pain or fear or make you doubt yourself
I would never take advantage or overstep my boundaries without a clear invitation
All your life you’ve been told you are worthless and everything you touch will turn to *POOPY*
But I want you to know that I believe in you
I’m not here to tell you all your faults and criticize and try to change you
I’m here to tell you that you are great the way you are
You have a wonderful potential for artistic dramatic fame
You have charisma and energy and a passion for life
You have a strength about you which dissolves any resistance
You have a light which shines from within your soul and touches everyone you know
Anyone who tries to tell you that you’re worth less than you are needs to seriously reevaluate their own life
Learning about oneself is always a difficult journey
But one I would regret not making if I let my fear control me
I reveal new things each day and through the cobwebs I can see who what when and where
Change is a dangerous risk to take
All this borderline shit gets in the way
But at least I am learning to try for myself and no other reason
Why should I just give up because I’m a failure and an underachiever
I’m terrified of losing again but maybe this time I’ll succeed.
I’ll never know unless I try and if I don’t try then I’ve failed anyway
Reach out through the darkness and find a hand to hold
Whether a friend or a sister or God
it doesn’t matter, but don’t go alone
You are worth being spoiled and pampered
You are worth having someone the share your pain
You are worth ten million times what no one could ever give you
You are worth a trillion times what you could ever give yourself
Wherever you go, whether alone, whether near or far, whether you hate me or have forgotten me or whether we’re still friends, I want you to know that I will always believe in you. I will always love you and know that you are successful
Have faith that you don’t need to wait for someday in order to be great, but that you already are
And now as I walk through the ruins
I see a patch of green grass growing in the midst of the rubble
I will water it and watch it grow until it spreads across the whole field
It will never die, for hope is never as fragile as it seems and can bloom suddenly even when the ground looks barren and scorched
Soon my ruins will be rebuilt into a castle where I will safely relax and seek refuge
The gates are wide open for any visitors to come as they please, even as I am still building
As I will always be building
And my castle, though unfinished, though still burdened by fear and pain and emptiness,
is beautiful
Just as I am
Just as you are

Once Upon a Time
By: Amanda Stade
Nov. 8, 1996
(I wrote this one for a kindergarten class)

Once upon a time
Not very long ago
A chipmunk gathered nuts for food
Before the winter snow

Once upon a time
‘ere winter took its hold
a maple tree stood tall and proud
with leaves of red and gold

Once upon a time
In a cave so dark and deep
A bear laid down upon the ground
And settled down to sleep

Once upon a time
Not long ago at all
I looked around and all I found
Was evidence of fall

Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright 1996 Amanda Joanne Stade

Wanting
May, 2003

Slipping away I feel my heart fall
Why do I always set myself up?
Falling silently to the ground
And I pick up the pieces again
You, with your brown eyes
And your electric stare is my demise
How can I fight this desire?
How can I stop this craving?
You are completely unavailable
So why do I feel so drawn to you?
Uninvited, I tag along
Accepted, yet completely withdrawn
Yearning for every touch
Praying for each silent glance
How can I detach
I need to pull myself away
I can’t help this attraction
Or even wanting it to stay
You, with your eyes on someone else
Love so true it cannot fail
And me in the distance
Wistfully watching
Wishing it were me
How can you love her when you’ve now met me?
Why am I not the answer to your prayers?
Why is it that I can never be the one
Who is needed to be there
Why am I always watching
Waiting
Hoping for love that can never be?
Why is it that I am always the one
Left wanting



Amanda Joanne Stade
Copyright Amanda Joanne Stade